Alexias wrote:Hi Chris, yes please, I would really like some sensible feedback on the story if you have the time and inclination (that was the main reason for posting it here
). Good reviewers on fanfiction.net are few and far between, but your review doesn't seem to have come through (they get displayed online and I don't think you can delete them once posted).
this time, I'm making sure I'm clicking on the right link.
Remember I come from screenwriting and know very little about novel / short-story writing, so take my comments with a pinch of salt.
Story structure: i felt the flashback structure present - past - present didn't work for such a short piece. I would work on screen, or as part of a longer story.
Characterization: Hephaistion's character is sharply drawn and very consistent - the guy is loyal to a fault. Alexander isn't as clearcut. The story is set in Mieza, so we know they're teenagers, but in sections, he comes across as much younger. His vocabulary & actions don't herald that this boy will lead an army against the Sacred Band, and win - while still a teenager.
It's difficult to explain, but f.e.
"When I grow up, I'll conquer Persia!" conveys a dream of a child, complete with the exclamation mark of exuberance.
"When I am King, I shall conquer the lands of Cyrus the Great, and beyond to the encircling ocean." That's a much older boy talking, or one who is mature beyond his age: he's done his homework, his vision is geographically conrete and he knows the day he will start off on his quest.
Language: First rule of screenwriting is, cut all adjectives
HTH,
Chris.