i know it's silly but i like it!

[alejandro]

Hi there,

Sorry for starting a new thread for this, but I found this sentence in an academic paper* and couldn't help smiling devilishly after reading it. Funny enough, I read others talking about the same issue in previous occasions, but never made the obvious connection.

Anyway, without further ado, here it is. Hope you enjoy it as well:

It is customary to say that Alexander left Parmenio behind at Ecbatana in Media on communications, but Arrian does not bear this out.

Can you imagine:
Antipatros: "Here is our star journalist, Parmenion Philota, reporting from the site of the action: Hello Parmenion."
Parmenion: "Hello Antipatros. Another day of excruciating marches is over. The soldiers are now cooking dinner. Meanwhile, our sources tell us that, in a meeting with his generals, King Alexander has decided to pursue the bandit and usurper Bessos. He also ordered to open an investigation on King Darius' murder. And that is the situation at the moment, Antipatros. Back to the studio".
A: "Thank you Parmenion. After the break, King Agis of Sparta and his new army. And the latest in Pellan fashion: Queen Olympias and Princess Kleopatra shine in yesterday's court appearance. Don't go away. Makedonian News will be back after these commercials".



All the best,
Alejandro

* C. A. Robinson Jr, "The extraordinary ideas of Alexander the Great", The American Historical Review, Vol. 62, No. 2. (Jan., 1957), pp. 326-344. Quotation is on page 333.

[amyntoros]

I think we all need a little silliness once in a while, although I'm not sure that Alexander would ever appreciate it. Oh, I know about his pithy wit, but I've always suspected that he didn't have much of a sense of humor, unlike his father who could take a joke at his own expense. And before anyone says it - "blood not ichor" is not a self-effacing joke 'cause it isn't even funny. (Ducks and runs for cover.)

I did read something abnormally silly in a fiction book recently - one that's sat on my shelf for years; The Conqueror by Judith E. French. I read all 350 pages in about 90 minutes, and if anyone thinks that's "cheating" then go ahead and ask me some questions about the book. Not a difficult plot to follow, by the way. Alexander tells Roxane to remain in her room when danger is at hand . . . she disobeys and gets captured by the enemy . . . Alexander rescues her . . . he's angry with her for a long time . . . he finally forgives her . . . Alexander tells her to remain in her room when danger is at hand . . . Roxane disobeys and gets captured by the enemy. . . Alexander rescues her . . . he is angry with her for a long time . . . he finally forgives her . . . Alexander tells Roxane to remain in her room when danger is at hand . . . . . . . . . .

Hmmm. Still, it does have some of the funniest lines in Alexander fiction, including the description of a bare-chested Alexander wearing only a lion skin wrap that barely covers his loins.

"By Zeus's foreskin, I'm not too drunk to ride a horse. Or to sample the delights of my new bride," he said.

"Leave us, Farah," Roxanne commanded, taking the wine ewer. Hephaistion's reputation had spread throughout the citadel. He would have to seek his bed partners elsewhere than among her women."

And the very best of the very worst:

"You're trembling," he said, as visions of her bared breasts filled his head. Sweet mother of Zeus! Her nether curls would be as soft as down, and her woman's juices . . . He groaned. "No need to fear my javelin's thrust, little wife. You're mine, and I care well for all that's mine."

I may never be able to discuss the sarissa again . . .

Best regards,

[marcus]

I think I need a lie down.

How does that sort of total nonsense ever get published?

ATB

[karen]

Have you heard of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest? Named after the novelist who coined the introductory sentence "It was a dark and stormy night," it's a contest for the worst first line of a novel, with prizes awarded in multiple genres. Website here -- http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/ .

So I propose pothosians sharpen their pens for a similar contest. I know there are many capable people here. Only rule: your execrable excerpt has to relate somehow to Alexander.

I know the above quotes will be hard to top, but let's take them as a challenge to our literary, em, skills...

Warmly,
Karen

[Paralus]

In Leslie Nielson's immortal Posiedon Adventure line: "Oh my God!"

Don't think I can ever read another Amyntoros post quite the same again!! To think you read this?!

How, pray tell, did Olympias cuss? "By Hera's Hymen! You will be king!"

Oh, I didn't write that did I?

[wmp]

Ah, yes - there are even 2 sequels to the Judith French book...

The Barbarian & The Warrior...

In The Barbarian Roxanne doesn't die, but is smuggled away to be with Ptolemy (who is afflicted with visions of Alexander at inconvenient moments). The Warrior concentrates on Alexander & Roxanne's son (more visions of Alexander at convenient moments, this time).

I read all three, to my shame (but then early in my academic career I gave seminars on Barbara Cartland...)

[marcus]

Hi WMP,

I read all three, to my shame (but then early in my academic career I gave seminars on Barbara Cartland...)

However, and I'm not speaking from knowledge here, surely Barbara Cartland didn't write such rubbish, did she?

ATB

[marcus]

"By Hera's Hymen! You will be king!"

This is fun ...

"By Apollo's Arse!"
"By Bellerophon's Buttocks!"
"By Poseidon's Peewee!"
"By the Nereids' Norks!"

And, of course: "By Uranus!"

He he ... I'll stop now, before any smidgeon of respect I might have enjoyed on this forum disappears in a puff of Ambrosia ...

ATB

[Paralus]

Worse. Much worse.

And, as a fellow who went into publishig after deciding teaching wasn't it, I'd know.
The reason for said knowledge? The publisher was Mills & Boon. By the look of Amyntoros' quotes, it appears they, too, were responsible for foisting the trilogy upon unsuspecting sensibilities.

Did I just admit to working with Mills & Boon?

Strewth! Slinks off.....

[Paralus]

Athena's nipple Marcus! I'll not have you trample the good graces of this forum with such!

Should you disgrace this forum again, rest assured that I will pursue you 'round Herme's harlots; through seven prostitutes of Perseus and yes, past the heaving hips of Heracles. And, by Dionysus' donger, I will impale thee!

[wmp]

Marcus - Barbara Cartland's penultimate pages even had me retching... Same in every book... Those stars, looking down, as the lovers, united, look up...

Paralus - is Dorchester Publishing an offshoot/partner of Mills & Boon? (My copies of the French trilogy are under their imprint). Dear gods...

[Paralus]

G'day wmp.

There must be a familial relationship attested somewhere by Persephone's fart!

Have you had the publishing house's dna tested?

[wmp]

Hmm, & not Cyberus's ....?

DNA might take a bit of time. Maurice Wilkins died & we moved a Comparative Literature administrator into his room...

[karen]

I see no one has ventured a first entry in the Alex-Lytton contest yet. I shall be forced to perform this honour myself.

Incidentally, the original rule in the Bulwer-Lytton contest is that the noxious snippet may be comprised of no more than one sentence.

-----
By the Muses' mucous membranes," the young conqueror breathed throatily in the steaming darkness, running his weapon-callused hand along the smooth, hot, sweaty, rock-muscled flank, "you are more beautiful than Aphrodite caught bathing in a wet chiton, more perfect than licking ambrosia out of a naiad's navel, more sweet to have between my legs than any other!" -- whereupon came the shrill voice of his Sogdian wife: "Honey, are you currying Boukephalos again?"
-----

BTW if any editors or agents read this, my evil twin wrote it. Not me.

Pothosians, you can do worse!

[amyntoros]

Pothosians, you can do worse!

I thought your 'entry' was hysterical, but I'm betting there are plenty of Pothosians that can compete. The Webmaster, Thomas, once toyed with the idea of having a short fiction contest here on Pothos although I don't think he ever had anything like this in mind.

Best regards,