Story time

[Alexias]

As it has been a little quiet here lately, if anyone would like a free story to read, I have posted one here http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8340382/1/Fever. It is about Alexander and Hephaestion discussing being the son of a god. If you would rather I didn't advertise it here, please let me know.

[marcus]

As it has been a little quiet here lately, if anyone would like a free story to read, I have posted one here http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8340382/1/Fever. It is about Alexander and Hephaestion discussing being the son of a god. If you would rather I didn't advertise it here, please let me know.

Hi Alexias,

I might just give that a go.

ATB

[Alexias]

Hi, Marcus, thanks for that. It does have some fanfiction elements in it because that's the audience it was written for, but hopefully not much - I do try to put some history into my stories or I wouldn't mention it here.

[chris_taylor]

As it has been a little quiet here lately, if anyone would like a free story to read, I have posted one here http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8340382/1/Fever. It is about Alexander and Hephaestion discussing being the son of a god. If you would rather I didn't advertise it here, please let me know.

Argh.

I've been away for a while, and trying to catch up I didn't realize that the reviews on your fever-story don't get posted here. they go to the fanfiction site!

I have no idea what gets posted there or who reads it. I just thought you wanted some comments as a writer.

I would have deleted it, but I can't even figure out how.

Sorry about that.

Chris.

[Alexias]

Hi Chris, yes please, I would really like some sensible feedback on the story if you have the time and inclination (that was the main reason for posting it here ). Good reviewers on fanfiction.net are few and far between, but your review doesn't seem to have come through (they get displayed online and I don't think you can delete them once posted).

[chris_taylor]

Hi Chris, yes please, I would really like some sensible feedback on the story if you have the time and inclination (that was the main reason for posting it here ). Good reviewers on fanfiction.net are few and far between, but your review doesn't seem to have come through (they get displayed online and I don't think you can delete them once posted).

this time, I'm making sure I'm clicking on the right link.

Remember I come from screenwriting and know very little about novel / short-story writing, so take my comments with a pinch of salt.

Story structure: i felt the flashback structure present - past - present didn't work for such a short piece. I would work on screen, or as part of a longer story.

Characterization: Hephaistion's character is sharply drawn and very consistent - the guy is loyal to a fault. Alexander isn't as clearcut. The story is set in Mieza, so we know they're teenagers, but in sections, he comes across as much younger. His vocabulary & actions don't herald that this boy will lead an army against the Sacred Band, and win - while still a teenager.

It's difficult to explain, but f.e.

"When I grow up, I'll conquer Persia!" conveys a dream of a child, complete with the exclamation mark of exuberance.

"When I am King, I shall conquer the lands of Cyrus the Great, and beyond to the encircling ocean." That's a much older boy talking, or one who is mature beyond his age: he's done his homework, his vision is geographically conrete and he knows the day he will start off on his quest.

Language: First rule of screenwriting is, cut all adjectives

HTH,

Chris.

[Alexias]

Chris, thank you very much for that, it's extremely helpful. I'm a little short of time at the moment so I'll be brief but I completely agree with with what you've said.

1. Hephaestion's character is much easier to portray than Alexander's, which I haven't fully got to grips with yet. There is also the age thing here where they are still largely children but at times the adult comes through. In the face of Aristotle's pragmatism though they revert to children again.

2. The ending - really struggled with this last section (trying to cram too many ideas in) and gave up on it eventually. The last sentence was a last minute idea (just so Alexander had the last word) and could have been much better.

3. The original idea for the story was very light and simple (the first section) and then changed because I spent months writing it, so overall the whole thing isn't very cohesive.

Thanks very much again - it's very useful to get a dispassionate view and helps enormously.